I was FAKING it....
I was faking it.
Not on purpose. I did not know that I was until I now look back at it. I thought that I would be happy when I reached my goal weight. I thought my problems would all go away when I finally achieved it. I thought when the weight came off so would the stress, the worry, the anxiety, the guilt. I thought it would all magically disappear. I thought this was it. Happiness lies on the other side of 138 pounds.
Starting at 235 pounds you can see how I felt that 138 would put me in the line of true bliss. You can see how going from struggling to get up the steps to sliding into a size 4 would be miraculous. Going into my closet would be sheer joy all the time. So, I thought. No one would ever be able to take away my glory. Nope not when I hit that golden number on the scale.
I was faking it.
Why? When I hit that number, I did feel amazing, I did. I wanted to shout it from the roof tops. My closet no longer caused me to feel depressed. I didn’t dread getting my picture taken anymore. I felt energized almost all of the time. I wanted to make healthy food choices. I did feel good. I did feel happy.
So, naturally I shared it. I shared it and began telling others how I did it. I shared the good the bad and the ugly of how I shed those pounds. I shared recipes, workouts, tips and tricks on how to survive parties and vacations. I shared it all. I, individually, helped people with their goals. I felt true excitement about this “new” me. It was all going so well. Then, the newness wore off. The excitement started to fade. People no longer recognized that I had just dropped 100 lbs. It started to become kind of “old news”.
“Yeah, there is Addie- yep she looks great- yep she works out all the time...blahblahblah.” Boring. I started to feel bored.
You know that excitement we all love and crave. We love getting a new car, house, shoes, clothes....body. We do. But, then the NEW becomes OLD and it is not as exciting anymore.
I was faking it because I thought that my happiness was in a number when the whole time it was not in any number, weight, scale or workout. It was not in any marathon I ran or race I won. My happiness was not in how many followers I helped or class members I taught. I had it all. I did it all. But, still....sadness. It still crept up inside of me. I still felt an emptiness I could not shake. I was not in happy bliss all of the time like I thought I would be. I found myself continuing to seek more. The problem?
I was not CONTENT. I had no contentment in who I was and where I was in my life. I kept striving to do more, be more. I kept thinking I will be happy when...I will be happy when...I will be happy when...and then I would get all of those things, be happy for a minute and seek the NEXT big thing that was going to make me happy. I found joy in the planning the next big thing and did not see the joy right in front of me on the daily basis. I struggled with opinions still. I struggled with people. I struggled with almost all of the same things I had struggled with when I had the extra 100 pounds on me. At least then I could comfort myself with food, right?
How did I end this? I SAT in it. I sat in it all. I let go of WHAT I THINK THINGS SHOULD be and started to ACCEPT THINGS JUST AS THEY ARE. I stopped looking so far ahead. Stopped competing. Stepped out of it all and just lived in the present moment and time. I realized that people and places will show up in my life when they are supposed. I stopped forcing. I stopped forcing it and just let it unfold naturally. I stopped thinking that happiness lied on the other side of success and realized that happiness is just an emotion that you achieve and then it goes away. Happiness can be taken away by any person or any situation that fails you.....I stopped seeking happiness outside of me and started to SEE THE JOY in the everyday small things. JOY is the emotion we should be searching for. Freedom is what we all want.
All anyone really wants is TO BE FREE OF WHO WE ARE AND TO FEEL COMPLETE JOY WHILE WE ARE JUST BEING our REAL SELVES. Not just a fragment of ourselves, our real and complete selves and know that we are loved for that.
Stop seeking outside for your happiness and start experiencing JOY in the right now. Take in each breath slowly and with intention to just be your best and do your best and be completely at peace with that.
Remember feeling complete, feeling content, feeling love...that is not going to happen when you lose the weight or get the new car....FEELING complete is when you are experiencing JOY while working towards what it is you want.
When you are truly FREE no one can ever take that JOY away from you.